Guest Post–Motherhood 301
I still remember calling my sister Juli and sobbing every time I failed to be Mother Of The Year, (2000 Edition) when the twins were born. And every time, she’d intone, “lower your standards!” There’s nothing like motherhood to fill you with utter joy when your little one smiles at you…then cast you into the abyss of self-loathing when you forget his playdate or feed her french fries instead of organic home made pudding. I think reading (and re-reading as necessary) “Motherhood 301″ is a sanity saver for us all.
Motherhood 301 Contributed by Juli Ulvestad
We just celebrated our third (and last) child’s first birthday, and I feel as if I’ve just completed Motherhood 301 at the School of Hard Knocks. When I was expecting my first child, I read every tips-and-tricks type information I could lay hands on and fervently committed these experienced parents’ wisdom to memory. I found lots of “sleep when the baby sleeps” and “don’t worry about the housework”, but by the time I had my third child, I’d enlarged on these and put together a coping arsenal of keep-sane strategies. In case you’re interested in online learning rather than real-world, here’s some of them.
Lower your standards. I started out my adult life as a clean freak. After my first child, I tried to keep things clean. After my second child, I tried to keep things tidy. With three children, I just want my house to be sanitary.
Clean the worst first. Yes, I know this goes against efficient cleaning techniques, but we’re talking about a whole new kind of efficiency. Do the thing that bothers you the most first, because the baby could wake up at any second and stop your cleaning frenzy cold. This is not the time to worry about working around each room clockwise and top to bottom. Hurry and vacuum last night’s (or last week’s– I’m not here to judge you) dinner off the dining room rug, and if you have time to backtrack and vacuum the front hall and living room, go for it.
The right baby gear can make a big difference. ALL the baby gear can make it impossible to cross the living room in time to answer the doorbell. I found a baby sling, frame backpack, and stroller indispensable. Bassinets, bouncer seats, exersaucers, playpens, jumpers, swings, etc. can be helpful, but for a more limited period of time. And for those few months that you use them, your shins will be black and blue from crashing into them.
Do anything it takes to make it possible to breastfeed successfully. I had a really difficult time nursing with all three of my babies. To keep it going in the roughest times, I went out and bought the most comfortable nursing chair I could find, three excellent nursing bras, and stacks of books and videos. I always made sure I had a huge glass of water, the cordless phone, and the remote control for the TV every time I sat down to nurse. And for the first six weeks, I gave myself permission to do absolutely nothing productive besides nurse my baby.
Occupy older children while you take care of the baby. My two older children saw my being trapped in my nursing chair twelve hours a day as a fantastic opportunity to get away with some of their all-time sassiest behavior. They would also lay on the guilt trips, saying things like, “It’s too bad you have to waste so much time feeding that baby.” They became very pro-breastfeeding after I started reading to them every time I sat down to nurse. And when I became a little more adept at nursing, I could feed the baby in a sling while I did things with my older children.
Spend some time to find a diapering method that works for you before going out and spending a bunch of money. A fancy changing table with all the accoutrements really isn’t a necessity, nor does cloth diapering have to be a big ordeal. There’s a whole range of methods to take care of this many-times-a-day-for-two-and-a-half-years task. You can use a waterproof pad thrown down on a bed, couch, or floor to change diapers. I wish I’d known about all in one cloth diapers and using wet washcloths instead of wipes seven years ago. And you can just toss diapers and washcloths into the washing machine straightaway, running it when it’s full, instead of dealing with a diaper pail.
Feed your baby normal people food. Making your own baby food is not difficult nor time consuming, and it’s far better and less expensive than a bunch of little jars. You only need specially prepared (meaning squishy) food for a few months anyway, then you can just feed your baby whatever you’re eating with some allergy and choking avoidance exceptions.
Develop your own panel of experts. You can drive yourself completely crazy listening to all the advice out there, both solicited and unsolicited. I read way too many parenting books, many of them entirely contradictory, and tried too hard to do everything “right” according to everyone else’s standards. For example, I believe in attachment parenting but found that if I relied only on William and Martha Sears’ parenting books, I’d wither and die of guilt because I couldn’t maintain that style of parenting. Nor did I agree with everything they wrote. After I balanced their approach with Penelope Leach, I started to find my own parenting style. Also, I worked hard to find a pediatrician I felt comfortable with and confident in so I could take his advice and blithely ignore well-meaning friends and relatives giving me contradictory advice.
Enjoy every minute. Surely you’ve read and heard that countless times, but it can’t be overstated. Babyhood is so short and so precious; you’ll never regret anything more than if you squander the time with your baby. Give yourself a break from trying to be perfect and just soak it all in.
