Swiss Chard In 35 Seconds
Trying to think of some new ways to use your bounty from the garden? The Todd created a yummy swiss chard in no time last night…click here for the easy recipe!
Carnitas, “The Easy, Cheating Way”
Looking for something wonderful for Father’s Day? The Todd makes carnitas to DIE for–and it’s easy! This is in his “Top 5″ meals, and when you taste it, you’ll see why… Click here, cook, and bask in the wonderfulness of you!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Today is cooler than Christmas at the Collard household–when you’re hard-core Scots, you take St. Patrick’s Day seriously. If you’re cooking tonight, I’m giving you my family’s most secret recipe–Mary Helen’s Magnificent Mustard Sauce. You will want to bathe in it–it’s that good. Happy St Patrick’s Day from the Collards, the MacLeans of Duart, and the Frasers!
Todd here. If I have done anything for you over the years this one thing is what you will remember me for. St Patrick’s Day is coming, and if you are doing the whole corned beef and cabbage deal as we do here it is: Mary Helen’s (Erin’s mom) Magnificent Mustard Custard Sauce. I swear I could bathe in this. (Make triple this recipe–you are going to need it)
2 tbsp sugar
2 tbsp plain yellow mustard
1/2 tsp salt
2 eggs
6 tbsp white vinager
4 tbsp water
Low heat stir till thickened. Next time you see me I expect a hug, but don’t make it weird.
Come Hell Or High Water, This Summer I Will…
How do we forget something that gives us so much pleasure and peace of mind?
Our summer memories: water…sun…mountains…family. How do they fade away so far that we forget them? During a very busy time last summer, I grabbed Erin from the jaws of chaos and dragged her into the Uinta Mountains to our favorite camping spot. We set up camp, got dinner going and lit the fire, as the sun waned into the tree tops and the birds found their roosts for the night.
We watched the fire, had dinner, and talked of our history in this pristine place. The stars came out–as if to impress–and they did. So many and so bright–we’d forgotten their gloriousness. We looked at each other in the firelight and had the same thought.
Where have we been?
What was better than this? We couldn’t come up an answer as the pine smoke from the fire rose up into the sky, where stars looked like diamonds scattered across the blackest velvet.
It starts with one weekend that you don’t do “the” thing you love, that turns into another, then another, and then…a year! Your fishing equipment becomes decor on the garage wall. Camping equipment, buried in a corner. Dust covers the bikes hung from the rafter.
What the HELL has happened to us? It’s not like Julie from the “Love Boat” is going to break through the door and arrange our life. It’s up to us.
Whatever your passion was, is still there. It might be steeper or colder or hotter or more bumpy than you remember, but it has always been there waiting. New adventures are great–but some of the best are waiting from our past. Tally ho!
Traditions start with happenstance…a rare post from The Todd!
A long time ago someone dried a wishbone from the Thanksgiving turkey and a few weeks later stood toe to toe with someone they loved and made a wish. Another person saw a pretty girl standing under the mistletoe–which was added only to accent the greenery, by happenstance–and a smooch was performed. To excuse his brazen behavior, he improvised with “It’s a tradition to kiss anyone standing under the mistletoe, didn’t you know?” Brilliant! “Yeah…it’s a tradition.”
This is how it starts. Most families have a tradition unique to their clan. For instance, after the kids go to bed, you might wrap presents together by the fire, sipping eggnog along with a slice of Razzleberry pie–which you forced the kids to lay out for Santa. (Because Santa’s going to hurl if he sees one more cookie.)
The year I fell in love with Erin, Christmas was at hand. So, for no reason when I cut the bottom ring off the trunk of our Christmas tree, I set it aside by happenstance. I showed it to my wife with the initials “T hearts E” and the year. I told Erin we’d add a slice from every Christmas tree to remind us of another year’s passing (and the fact that we are the only ones who can put up with each other.)
Every year, when we unpack the decorations, there it is. We’ve had to add ribbon because of it’s growing length. Somerings are big, some are small–accomodate our financial state of the time or the size of the home we were living in. I feel a sort of pride every year to add the newest piece of tradition by “happenstance.”
Oh, What A Tangled Web We Weave…a rare post from The Todd!
Every year I make a promise, and every year I fall short of that solemn pledge.
On those gray and frigid days late in January, I stand in the knee-deep snow and face the same challenge. I imagine myself removing the Christmas lights and neatly coiling them around a sturdy Christmas Light Holder(tm) that is then nestled in a hermetically sealed box that would preserve them for the next year’s application. Then, the next year’s decorating would be so effortless and carefree that the joy of the holidays WOULD BURST FROM MY VERY CHEST!
What I actually find myself doing is yanking the lights off the tree like a man trying to pull-start an outboard motor. So, what I end up getting is a ball of tangled lights.
Once again, my promise has been broken–along with my spirit–and half the once-festive lights.
I wish I could be like my friend Shawn, who has had the same lights since puberty. This year, I have no pretense of what the future holds for me and my lights.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the Collard Christmas 2009.
The Way To A Cook’s Heart Is With A Knife… A post from Todd!
But, which knife? When Erin and I fell in love, she suspiciously encouraged my interest in cooking…luring me first with expensive pots and pans, and then came…the knives. As an aspiring cook, I have to admit that the feel of cutting through a broccoli stalk with a sharp knife has a certain satisfaction to it. Erin bought me Henckel knives (the “Pro” Series) and that’s the key. The “Pro” Series have a lifetime warranty. I must admit…I have been rough on them. But even so, the shining implements of severage (Editor’s note: is that word? If not, it should be.) are now battered and chipped . I returned them to Henckel for repair according to the warranty, and they replaced all seven knives with new ones.
Here’s the killer: one of the knives was actually a Wusthof–Henckel didn’t even make it–and Henckel’s customer service shipped that knife to their competitor for me. When is the last time you had service like that?
This holiday, when you’re presenting a gift to the one who cooks for you, remember that the cheapest one isn’t always a bargain. Some things are worth investing in. Give them a knife that’ll make you meals as long as you live.
Thank me later…Todd
Domestic Highlights From The Todd…
Todd here. Yesterday I was threatened with a beating from Erin (still having symptoms of H1N1) because she wanted to go to the studio and do the show this morning. I tried to explain to her that people didn’t want to be around her. (People don’t even want to be around me, but I’m used to that.) She was very frustrated with being sick for so long and missing so much work. So, I did what any other rational husband would do–I sicced her mother on her. Hey, I’m already sleeping on the couch, I have nothing left to lose! Mary Helen (Mom) is very reserved and sweet, but when needed she can really let loose. She let Erin have it. Erin stayed home, and I have been locked out of the house.
Northern Bean Goodness–a wonderful soup from Todd!
When the cold temepratures hit I tend to overreact. I find my flannel shirts in storage, take a gander at my stacked firewood and head for the kitchen. This favorite came from my friend Barb Zocco. She grew up in Utah and says this soup was THE taste of fall for her family.It’s so simple, so easy to make and yet so incredibly satisfying.
Soak a bag of great northern beans overnight–they seem to hold up better in the soup. The beans and a ham hock are the traditional recipe, but everyone likes to tinker a little. In the bottom of the soup pan, I brown a diced onion, and throw a little thyme in. Add the beans and the smoked ham hock. Add enough to cover, and simmer. You’ll be adding water 4-5 times during the cooking. When the beans are tender (1-2 hours) you’re ready to go. You can smash some of the beans against the side of the pan for a thicker consistency. It’s that simple, and a perfect soup for a change in the season!
I Just Saw Eggnog In The Store…
…and a little piece of me died.
We are now in the Halloween season. Pumpkins, ghosts, and candy corn…then, comes Thanksgiving with the turkey, stuffing and large buckles on shoes. (Editor’s note: I grew up in Lexington, Massachusetts, OF COURSE we made a huge deal out of Thanksgiving. I’m surprised my parents didn’t try to build a summer cabin on top of Plymouth Rock.) Where was I? Oh, yes. Then Christmas, with the trees, presents and EGGNOG.
I have chosen to call this Premature Celebration. Some of you might be familiar with this condition. Go to any store and you’ll see Halloween and Christmas decor situated right next to each other–so close that that one might forget about Thanksgiving altogether.
To solve this, we should just give in and do what the merchants have done–combine all the holidays and give them a new name.
Like… Hallowthanksmas
Thanksmasween
or maybe: Masweenanks
And what about Arbor Day? People, I find it challenging enough to remember to change the oil in my car every 3,000 miles.
I am not calling for a boycott on eggnog because I, too, enjoy that thick creamy concoction of ingredients that makes our eyes roll back in our heads. But, let’s keep this out of season purchase where it belongs–hidden in the fridge in the garage.
Sincerely, Todd
Bear Necessities–a rare post from The Todd!
So, my friend Robin says, “come up to Wyoming and join us for the Elk Bow Hunt!” (Editor’s note: because I can cook.) That part of Wyoming is Bear Country…and I recently sold my SWEET 1968 jet trailer. My little truck doesn’t have a camper shell, and I really don’t want to sleep on the ground. So…here is my challenge.
After picking up 3 sheets of 3/8 plywood (you’ll want the thin stuff for weight, so that one person can set it up and take it apart) some furring strips, and glue screws, I came up with the modular camper shell. Because of it’s light-weight construction and modular design, I chose not to drive with it already assembled. Instead, I packed the back, and then put the parts flat over the rest of the best and strapped it down. In addition, I put a tarp over the entire thing for extra water-proofing.
Now, I KNOW it looks like a doghouse, but it worked great! Plus, it breaks down neatly and stores against the wall in the garage. A used camp shell would cost around $250.00–that is, if you can find one, and if you have the room to store it.
Back to my “dog house.” I had some hinges in my treasure chest of junk, along with some exterior paint, and ta-da! I’m bear-resistant. NOT bear proof. My wife Erin cynically calls it “the crunchy outer coating before the bear gets to the chewy center.” (I’m the “chewy center.”) I guess the life insurance is paid up again.
Anyway, for about $60.00, I put it together in a weekend, and it worked perfectly. Give it a try…and remember, bear-RESISTANT.
Todd
Ramp Up your marital stress…a rare post from The Todd!
If you want to test the strength of your union, all you have to do is–as a team–back a boat on a trailer down a very busy launch ramp…into the BOILING LAKE OF HELL. You may as well buy a new 4 wheeler without a discussion with the missus, or for the ladies, hire a pool boy–even though you don’t have a pool.
I don’t care how many “I feel” messages you learned in couples therapy, what you’ll hear on that boat ramp is “I FEEL you are a moron,” or “I HEAR your anger but wish a large object would fall from the sky and land on your head,” or “I FEEL it would give me joy to see your internal organs fed to the crows.”
My wife, Erin, and I learned early on that:
1. When you are learning to launch a boat, do NOT pick a time the ramp is busy.
2. Listen politely to the other person’s suggestions, ignore them, and do what you know is right.
3. Not to say a FREAKING WORD if you want any romance in the next two weeks.
Well, we got really good at the process when we owned a houseboat. But a recent family trip to Lake Powell in Southern Utah, and watching all the OTHER couples launch brought it all back–in TerrorVision.
“Go right! Go right!”
”Not THAT right, the OTHER right!”
“Don’t overcorrect! What are YOU DOING?!!!”
For the guys, it’s really all about how you appear to the OTHER boaters. It doesn’t matter if you’re launching a luxury yacht named “Wet Dream” (Editor’s note: “Wet Dream?” REALLY?) Or, a 12 foot aluminum fishing boat named “The Mullet,” it’s all the same. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, hire someone else to launch your boat. There will be less stress , more romance, and a lot less “I feel” messages.
Happy boating…Todd
The Maine problem with Staycations. A rare post from Todd!
Hey, Where Did The Lights Go? A rare post from The Todd!
Friday was a sweltering 102 degree day…and as it drew to a close, we waited for the shadows to creep across the yard. We were waiting to venture out–vampire like–into the night with open arms. Our twins were down for the night, and the house was cooling off.
At 8:34–the lights went out. I gleefully shouted “Blackooout!” (one of my favorite words!) There’s something about this paradigm shift that makes me a giddy as a schoolgirl. Is it the awakening of my survival instinct, or just the fact that everything has changed? With the fading light in the kitchen I organized our dinner and located all of our “Blackout Survival Gear.” (Editor’s note: okay, it’s really just a flashlight, but I WAS ready to cook the entire contents of our thawing freezer at the drop of a hat!)
Then, a knock at the door. Our neighbor Barb was affected by the Blackout bug and said only one word. “Scrabble!” “Yes!” She scampered back to her house, disappearing gleefully into the darkness. Five minutes later, she was back with her husband Robin, and our other neighbors Mickey and Sharee. We hustled into the backyard with candles, wine, and a giddy feeling of “how COOL is this?”We played the game by candlelight, laughed and shared stories of Blackouts from days gone by.
As the candles flickered in the garden, I wondered why I loved it so much. In college, I lived in a house with 6 people and occasionally, one of us would sneak into the basement and flip the main breaker. Yes–an artificial Blackout, but only one of us knew it was a fake, so it didn’t matter. As the night waned into the 11 o’clock hour, we all realized we had responsibilities the next morning to attend to. The lights in the house snapped on–the swamp cooler and the fridge and the stereo all sprung back to life. We hugged our goodbyes and everyone went home.I always feel a little sad when the lights go back on…
Springtime (in July) in the Uintas…
“Hey, Honey, Should I Have a Face Lift or a Bust Enhancement?”
NEW from Todd:
Men, there are some questions that you should NEVER answer.
It’s a no-win situation. The only way out is to use the classic “I love you just the way you are,” line, even if in your mind you are picturing your wife’s perky new form. These types of questions are a trap that no man can escape. It’s like if you were kidnapped and you were asked, “do you want to be shot in the head or the chest?” You just can’t win.
Here’s a few more questions you should never answer:
“Which one of my sisters is the hottest?”
“If I died, which one of our friends would you be interested in?”
And, the standard: “does this make my butt look fat?”
Now, the obvious answer is “no!” But, the timing of the answer to the question is the key. The time span between the question and your answer should only be able to be measured by a group of scientists in a secret underground bunker under the Nevada desert.
So, ladies, please help us men out. If you have more questions that men should NEVER answer, please add them here, (unless it violates some sacred estrogren pact.)
Thanks, Todd
Shut Your Piehole–Todd’s First Post!
The other day no less than five people felt it necessary to burden me with every detail of how life has done them wrong. The presumption is that THEIR life sucks more than mine. I love these five people. But, in these tense and troubling times, I wish they would take my simple advice and Shut Your Piehole.
Got small, irritating things in your life? Do what I do, keep your mouth shut. No one wants to hear it! If everyone in the world unloaded on everybody who asked, “hey, how are you doing?” the world would come to a screeching halt.
I mean, really! “My sister said this…” “My dry cleaner did that…” The complainers want only one thing–and that is for you to say, “I’m so sorry, your life sucks!” Which is pretty presumptuous, seeing that YOURS might suck more. Be aware that telling the story of the horrific experience you had at the BMW dealer might currently being told to a person who bought just enough gas to get to work with the loose change they scavenged from their sock drawer.
I believe that we are measured by the things we cherish and love, and not by the things that annoy us. At a party, you might point out someone and say “that’s Bob, he loves cooking, has a St. Bernard and lived in Japan for four years.” You wouldn’t say, “that’s Bob, he hates it when people park too close to his driveway, he’s lactose intolerant and his copier toner costs $43.00 a shot.”
Think positively! It’s like our mothers used to say, “if you don’t have something nice to say, shut the HELL UP!” We are ALL under stress–money, our jobs, the future. The last thing we need is you showing up looking like the iceburg that sank the Titanic. Please think about what you’re about to say. If you’re going to complain, remember that everyone’s in the same boat and that most have bigger problems to attend to.
Think about it. I hope to have an uplifting discussion with you soon.
Todd
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